The saying “one persons trash is another’s persons treasure”. Does that go for people too or just things?
YOU AND THE UNDERSTANDING:
You find yourself single again and again, why? Have you deeply review all the reasons your last relationship didn’t work out? When it was over, did you go back over all the things YOU did wrong and work on them? (did you really?) Or are you going to pretend you did absolutely nothing wrong and it was all them?
Sometimes two people aren’t compatible as a couple, it happens, that’s life. Not EVERY failed relationship was because of one more than the other, sometimes it just doesn’t work out. You two were just not compatible. That’s okay.
There are some things about us we can’t change and maybe there were some deal breakers for you about your ex but perhaps not someone else. We have to face the reality that we aren’t perfect, no one is perfect. Everyone does or says the wrong thing at the wrong time at some point. We don’t always get to choose who we fall in love with, what we do get to choose is at the end of a relationship that wasn’t meant to be if you take the hardships as lessons or let them damage you. I know how very hard it is but we shouldn’t start new relationships with old baggage and hold the new person accountable to repair you or prove themselves based on your past experiences it’s unhealthy and damaging to what could have been a good relationship.
Now, you find yourself pursing a new relationship. Did you sit down and actually have detailed conversations about what went wrong before and what you won’t deal with again? (I think it would be completely unhealthy not too). Did you ask them honestly what happened? What role they played in the demise? How did certain things make them feel? What were the main issues? How did they deal with conflicts? What are the remaining wounds from that relationship? Can you deal with their responses? Did they tell the truth? Did you tell the truth to questions they had for you?
I’ve seen/been in many relationships that fall apart because we aren’t asking the right questions before we take the next steps. I’ve done it, you find this connection or what you think is one and we refuse to question it or dig deep to ask ourselves if we really know what we’re getting into. We run hard and jump fast. We sometime are put in or out ourselves in positions that push us to make quick and fast decisions that aren’t always the right ones. Then these consume us and dim our lights and we become unrecognizable misery.
I feel like life is too precious to waste time on relationships when all the cards aren’t on the table. People spend so much of their time hiding and lying about important pieces of them instead of actually working on them before entering new relationships or never being completely upfront about it. We have to stop settling for “better than being lonely”.
Why do we allow ourselves to enter into relationships and stay longer than we should when they start so horribly? Why are those situations the most attractive? Deep down are we always looking for a project? Someone to fix or mould into what you think they can be? Let’s be real for a second; What does this person have to offer? That may sound shallow but it’s really not. I don’t just mean money or materials I mean do they have ambition?, are they intelligent?, do they work?, can they keep a job? How well do they maintain their current relationships with family or friends?
There is no official check list you can google for how to pick a man (perhaps there is but someone wrote it based on opinion lol) We all have our own things that we are looking for in a parter. If you’re anything like me and live as an independent person you would want someone who can stand beside you, who compliments your life, and who shows similar values, morals and qualities.
This is real life! Real life comes with real responsibilities. We all have bills and baggage who doesn’t? However, I’ve learned over the years that no matter how much you want someone, you can’t eat “handsome” or “beautiful”, you can’t wear or stay warm with “nice person”, and you can’t live in “perfect smile”. There’s SO many parts to building a life with someone that all your questions should be asked and real life stuff should be talked about VERY early on. Getting to know someone inside and out, and asking yourself some tough questions BEFORE you get too deep.
ABUSERS AND PATHOLOGICAL LIARS:
I didn’t forget these exist; trust me. I was saving the best for last 🙄. Despite all the above; I know you terrible people are here among us disguised as normal people. We have probably (mostly) all dated one in the course of our lives to be honest. Hopefully these relationships didn’t last long (although I am aware these unfortunately usually last the longest, FAR longer than they should) because these people are AMAZING at what they do. If there was a talent show dedicated to this, I bet we could all nominate someone we know to participate.
I’ve always wondered if pathological liars have tiny black books they write all their lies in to remember all of them or if they just naturally know how to lie themselves out of anything. (BOYYY, the talent) Start, pursue and finish every relationship just lying through their teeth to get what they want from you. Usually this is served to you accompanied by a side of narcissism, what’s not to love? 🙄
Emotional, psychological and physical abuse should NEVER be tolerated. There is no excuse or promise big enough that should convince you to stay for ANY reason. Honestly, save the “oh buts” for someone else. I can personally say after dealing with someone like this, it is the most damaging thing you could ever allow yourself to endure. It may feel impossible and you may very well love this person more than you love yourself but there is absolutely no acceptable explanation for being treated like that. YOU DESERVE BETTER.
Please, love yourself. Forgive yourself. Forgive them. Find love – I encourage it. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there – you will meet the wrong one, the wrong one right now, the wish I never met you and maybe you’ll meet the right one. The one who gives you that “I can’t remember my life without you feeling”. And I wish that for you.
But I forgive you