Not Today.

I will forgive you.

But not today.

I wouldn’t count on tomorrow or the next day either.

After what you’ve done to me. It may take months before I can look back and say that I forgive you.

I choose to forgive people for my well being and health but when you are this hurt and the wounds are still fresh it feels impossible.

One day I’ll be thankful for the good times and let go of the bad. I can’t say today that I’m thankful for any of it. If I could wipe my brain clean of you, I would.

How can you just throw someone away like they never meant anything to you at all? To walk away from a child who loved you, cuddled you and asked for you daily. Without even so much as a goodbye. How can you be so heartless? So selfish? Like you are the only one who ever mattered…

I’ll never understand it. No matter how hard I would try because I can promise you, I would never be able to walk away like you did. Without so much as an explanation. To be able to walk away from someone who has done so much for you and showed you so many things about life that you didn’t know. The person you called your best friend and partner. It’s incomprehensible.

I let my walls down and you promised to never hurt me. I think the hardest part is blaming myself. Laid up crying for hours wondering what I did wrong? How from one day to the next you just stopped loving me. How in a relationship with no fights, no arguing, good communication and mutual understanding we would end up like this?

If anyone asks why women don’t take their walls down it’s for this exact reason but don’t get me wrong. When you close one door I’ll open a window. I’ve always been a fighter and I’ll never stop pursuing my dreams. You may have broken me for a minute but when I get it back together I will get everything I ever wanted and I don’t doubt myself for a minute.

Today, I just wish I could forget you and how much you hurt me while only thinking about yourself. There was 100 ways you could have gone about dealing with your demons and honestly I still feel bad for you. Life is not a smooth yellow brick road. You have to work and push through life paving your own way. No one said it would be fun, easy or fair but while you were dealing with your issues you lit everyone around you on fire while they were just trying to be there for you to support you. Not wanting to be with someone is absolutely your right but being a decent human adult about it is expected. Especially when a child is involved even though she isn’t yours, she loved you and I have a million little letters to prove it. She didn’t deserve to be hurt for one second.

I hope this is what you wanted. Maybe tomorrow I’ll realize how good this was for me so I’ll thank you in advance for removing yourself from my life to make room for something else.

But I forgive you

I Promise…

Darling, this world is cruel.

We sometimes ask ourselves almost every day what kind of sick joke is being played on us, in this thing called life. You will be told all kinds of truths and lies; sometimes in the same sentence by someone you would least expect. The people who you think would never hurt you tend to hurt you the most and that is the truth.

The one person you can always count on is YOU!

I would love to tell you I will forever be there for you but unfortunately at some point in your life I will no longer be here and that is the truth.

• I promise to never hide the truth from you, even though we all sometimes want to tell lies to protect the ones we love from the harsh realities of the world.
• I promise to always tell you exactly how it is or was.
• I promise to prepare you for the ways of the world. ( I would throw myself in a fire if I knew it would stop you from feeling an ounce of pain but over time we experience things out of our control that hurt us so deeply it becomes irreparable damage and that’s the truth)
• I promise to never let anyone pull the wool over your eyes; if I know the truth.
• I promise to support you emotionally even when you have made decisions I didn’t agree with.
• I promise to never say I told you so, when you didn’t want to accept the truth as a reality until it was too late.
• I promise to give you all the tools I have to learn how to cope when someone has disappointed you.
• I promise to support you when you’ve been betrayed by people who you never thought were capable but ripped your heart out
• I promise to tell you everything as lightly as possible, when you finally figure him out and eventually you will. I promise to go easy on you, show you the person he really is in as few words possible and all the things he did to you over the years will add up against him without me having to lay it out for you and that’s the truth.

Your feelings are always relevant.

No one can tell you that how you feel is wrong, those are yours and you have full control. Be strong enough to walk away from people who cause you nothing but disappointment and heart ache even if they are family. You are not required to have relationships with people who drain or disrespect you. Always know it is a privilege for someone to be in your life and NOT a right. Blood doesn’t give anyone the right to use, abuse, negatively influence or belittle anything in your life.

You are not responsible for anyone else’s happiness!

Please, don’t live your life with the predisposed notion that you owe anyone their happiness. Each person is responsible for their own. Someone who isn’t happy with themselves will never be and that is the truth.

Be the best person you know, the person you can rely on for always giving you the best advice. The person you look up to because no one can compare to your ambition and drive. Strive to be an independent person, you should always be able to provide yourself with the things you need than to rely on anyone else for anything.

Love like you aren’t expecting to be hurt but believe you are capable of standing on your own two feet alone again.

Trust like you aren’t waiting for that moment that they betray you but believe you are strong enough to make it through when they do.

You have a purpose, You have a story being written, You have strength and you have YOU. And with that you can achieve anything you want in life. Don’t ever forget that.

As I finish this blog and read over and over before posting, I am overwhelmed with sadness that I even have to feel this way or have to teach you this because there are some people in your life who are surly to disappoint you. Years ago kids were taught to look up to their families and learn from all the amazing things they’ve accomplished but you got partially robbed of that and for that I am sorry.

But I Forgive You.

Take A Walk In Someone Else’s Shoes…

Its so easy to pass judgement on others when you can’t relate. We make assumptions and set rules or boundaries on things and people before we take a step back and put ourselves in the opposite shoes. We forget that we are all humans, we make mistakes, we have emotions and past events that have pushed and shaped us into what we are today which has influence on how we react in certain situations. We make decisions on impulse, we are imperfect, we shut down and sometimes to a point where we feel we can’t open up again.

You may not always like someones decisions or actions in life, you don’t need to agree, you don’t even necessarily have to accept them. It is however your responsibility to react appropriately. We all have people in our lives we can’t just throw away because they didn’t make the move we wanted them to, if we did there wouldn’t be anyone left. At some point, everyone in your life will disappoint you in someway. We have to sometimes take ourselves out of the equation. Look at things from a different angle, maybe not even theirs, maybe a third party.

It isn’t easy to put your emotions aside and see something from someone else’s eyes. I consider myself to be someone who doesn’t live in a world that is black and white. I have come to terms with the fact that there are many, many gray areas. People are complex, unpredictable, emotional beings. How can we expect life to just be black and white? Life isn’t fair, it NEVER will be! Unfortunately we have to accept that.

We can be our own worst enemies at times, putting ourselves in situations to hold onto hate and feelings far longer than we should. So, it didn’t work out how you wanted it to; don’t let yourself dwell on things we cannot change. It takes FAR more energy to remain angry than to deal with what has gone on and find the best solution you can deal with. You can’t punish the world for things not going in your favor, we ALL have had to accept things we just never thought possible but here we are. Next, stand back up on your feet and understand that you now must find a way to move forward.

As we get older we have more responsibilities and some of us have little people who depend on us to make the best decisions we can for them. They depend on us to not make harmful emotional decisions that will hurt them later on even if YOU selfishly feel like that is what will make YOU happy in this moment. YOU have to remove your emotional impulse and think of them. At first it can be very hard to make mature, rational decisions when emotions are running high. Take a minute, but just a minute and push yourself to do the right thing.

But I Forgive You

Jenna

Team Sisters

Sometimes in life we feel very alone while going though hard times because we feel like no one could truly understand how we are feeling unless they haven’t gone through the exact same thing.

Truth is they don’t need too.

Sometimes someone to just sit with you and listen with no judgment, when you just feel like being alone; they don’t leave your side, tries to make you laugh, cries with you even if they’re not sad- that’s not help, that’s love.

People who check in, to say “hey, I know you’re not good but if you need something, I am here for you”. Or those who are just there, they don’t have to say anything they can sit in silence and that is enough. APPRECIATE these people. They may not tell you what you want to hear but what you need to hear and that is never easy. However, having just anyone care about you can mean the world especially when it feels like yours is falling apart.

I am truly blessed to have 3 sisters who all support and love me in different ways. I value each and everyone of them differently as they all offer me something different in my life but they all equally play important roles for me.

Sister 1: You are my ultimate best friend. The one person who shares a lot of the same experiences as myself, who has been through similar situations yet, we have each dealt with them differently and supported each other accordingly. You are the type to tell me what I want to hear, you are giving, you are sensitive, you are helpful and those are just some of your great qualities ! We have stood by each other through many, many tough spots and I couldn’t be more appreciative to have you in my life. I love you more than words could ever express.

Sister 2: You are a wild one. You always create your own roads though life; Usually the most difficult but I can admire that as I have done the same. You are smart, special, loyal and your soul is beautiful. You are the type to be supportive by being as upset as I am to what is going on. You are able to feel for others on the same level and that is a quality you should never give up. Having someone to sit and cry or scream with you is rare. (or finish a bottle of tequila ;)) You will be hurt a lot in life as you believe in your heart people are as loyal as you, you will not find someone who can match what you give, as I have also experienced. I love you more than you’ll ever know.

Sister 3: You are the quiet one. The one who always says the right thing or what someone needs to hear much like myself. You are selfless and very caring towards others. You are sensitive and emotional which can be very hard on you at times but I hope you remain this way and don’t let the world make you as cold as I have become. You are sweet and always send the right messages to make me feel loved. I love you forever and beyond.

To anyone who may not have these types of support in life, I wish you the strength within yourself to make it though. Sometimes getting though something alone makes you that much stronger.

But I Forgive you

Jenna

The Shatter

It’s unbelievable how people can inflict so much pain on you without physically touching you. When your heart feels like it’s bleeding because it hurts so deeply. How someone can say they love you to your face yet make decisions that they know will tear you apart.

Life changing moments that you feel you could never recover from. You carry around all these moments with you forever. Moments that change you, that open your eyes, that scar you, that make you cold. Then they ask why you’re so reserved? Why you don’t open up easily? Why you don’t give all of yourself? it’s because we are just not complete anymore. We lose pieces of ourselves in those moments.

You become so angry you cry because there’s no way to express the feeling you have inside. When you need a day to get in your bed, cry and go over everything in your life because your next move may flip everything in your life upside down. Until your eyes burn and you have no tears left to cry.

It’s truly amazing how many times you can literally hear your heart shatter yet somehow you manage to mend it and it keeps beating. How many times you can be hurt so deeply and learn how to pick yourself up.

I will make it. Today it’s okay to not be okay but I was okay before you, and I’ll be okay after.

But I forgive you

Jenna

The Struggle Of Loving Your Physical Self

Everyday I wake up, look into the mirror and dislike what stares back at me.

I wonder if everyone as harsh with critiquing themselves as much as myself. Asking ourselves if we are we too fat or too skinny, our skin is too dry or too oily, our thighs are too thick or full of cellulite, our eyes are too small or far apart, our foreheads too big or have lines? The questions are really endless.

I had a child 6 years ago and gained far more weight than I should have during my pregnancy which I never got rid of. My entire body changed, my shape, my hair, my skin, and my hatred for my body grew everyday even though I just gave birth to the best thing that ever happened to me. I struggled through post partum depression, accepting what my body had become was a major factor in that. My body gave life to a beautiful little girl but I couldn’t see past the stomach I had and the stretch marks that came along with it. I tried all the Fad diets, struggled with eating disorders, starvation and constantly made terrible remarks to myself.

I struggled to find small things about myself beautiful. I became extremely high maintenance trying to cover up how I felt inside; Nails, lashes, tanning, tattoos, brand name everything and statement hair colours. These things put a bandaid for me to feel better, prettier, like I stand out. Though everyday I still wake up and see every imperfection, I still struggle with eating disorders and I’m still my toughest critic.

There isn’t anyone on the face of this earth who could say harsher things to me that I haven’t already told myself and that’s the truth.

Losing weight or changing something about yourself isn’t easy it takes time, work, money and dedication. Can it be done? Yes. But while working many hours to support your house hold and countless amounts of stress it’s a task that truly tests you to your limits. I don’t think anyone intends to not work on things they know they should but it’s tough and anyone who tells you it’s easy can fly a kite.

If you are struggling with feeling good about yourself for what ever reason, know many of us struggle with similar feelings. Even the people you least expect to feel unhappy with something about themselves, do feel it.

Slow and steady, one day at a time. You can do anything you set your mind too. Believe in yourself. You are you and that is beautiful.

But I forgive you

Jenna

The Fog

Swallows and surrounds you while you struggle to breathe.

Shut down of all emotions because you just don’t know how to feel…what to feel…why we feel…

Overwhelming silence as you can’t fathom gathering thoughts to speak.

To use energy to cry or scream seems mostly impossible.

Blank, dead stare on your face as your mind becomes so unbalanced.

The nausea and painful pressure in your chest.

The fog thickens the harder you try to clear before it’s ready, before you’re ready.

You question if you’ll ever feel better.

The smallest of things can set it off. It starts pushing its way in and you quickly become unsure how to fight it.

Sadness. Fear. Confusion. Decisions. Uncertainty. Anxiety. Depression. Pain. Emotions. Loss. Negativity. Pressure.

Life will never be easy, some cope better than others. Some of our lives are overwhelmingly complicated and it seems we constantly have some negative source seeping it’s way in. The fog will clear, with time and strength.

Today, I live it.

Tomorrow is another day. Another journey. Another chance. Another change.

But I forgive you

Jenna

Dating Truths and A Reality Check

The saying “one persons trash is another’s persons treasure”. Does that go for people too or just things?

YOU AND THE UNDERSTANDING:

You find yourself single again and again, why? Have you deeply reviewed all the reasons your last relationship didn’t work out? When it was over, did you go back over all the things YOU did wrong and work on them? (did you really?) Or are you going to pretend you did absolutely nothing wrong and it was all them?

Sometimes two people aren’t compatible as a couple, it happens, that’s life. Not EVERY failed relationship was because of one more than the other, sometimes it just doesn’t work out. You two were just not compatible. That’s okay.

There are some things about us we can’t change and maybe there were some deal breakers for you about your ex but perhaps not someone else. We have to face the reality that we aren’t perfect, no one is perfect. Everyone does or says the wrong thing at the wrong time at some point. We don’t always get to choose who we fall in love with, what we do get to choose is at the end of a relationship that wasn’t meant to be if you take the hardships as lessons or let them damage you. I know how very hard it is but we shouldn’t start new relationships with old baggage and hold the new person accountable to repair you or prove themselves based on your past experiences it’s unhealthy and damaging to what could have been a good relationship.

THE PURSUIT:

Now, you find yourself pursing a new relationship. Did you sit down and actually have detailed conversations about what went wrong before and what you won’t deal with again? (I think it would be completely unhealthy not too). Did you ask them honestly what happened? What role they played in the demise? How did certain things make them feel? What were the main issues? How did they deal with conflicts? What are the remaining wounds from that relationship? Can you deal with their responses? Did they tell the truth? Did you tell the truth to questions they had for you?

I’ve seen/been in many relationships that fall apart because we aren’t asking the right questions before we take the next steps. I’ve done it, you find this connection or what you think is one and we refuse to question it or dig deep to ask ourselves if we really know what we’re getting into. We run hard and jump fast. We sometime are put in or out ourselves in positions that push us to make quick and fast decisions that aren’t always the right ones. Then these consume us and dim our lights and we become unrecognizable misery.

I feel like life is too precious to waste time on relationships when all the cards aren’t on the table. People spend so much of their time hiding and lying about important pieces of them instead of actually working on them before entering new relationships or never being completely upfront about it. We have to stop settling for “better than being lonely”.

Why do we allow ourselves to enter into relationships and stay longer than we should when they start so horribly? Why are those situations the most attractive? Deep down are we always looking for a project? Someone to fix or mould into what you think they can be? Let’s be real for a second; What does this person have to offer? That may sound shallow but it’s really not. I don’t just mean money or materials I mean do they have ambition?, are they intelligent?, do they work?, can they keep a job? How well do they maintain their current relationships with family or friends?

There is no official check list you can google for how to pick a man (perhaps there is but someone wrote it based on opinion lol) We all have our own things that we are looking for in a parter. If you’re anything like me and live as an independent person you would want someone who can stand beside you, who compliments your life, and who shows similar values, morals and qualities.

REALITY CHECK:

This is real life! Real life comes with real responsibilities. We all have bills and baggage who doesn’t? However, I’ve learned over the years that no matter how much you want someone, you can’t eat “handsome” or “beautiful”, you can’t wear or stay warm with “nice person”, and you can’t live in “perfect smile”. There’s SO many parts to building a life with someone that all your questions should be asked and real life stuff should be talked about VERY early on. Getting to know someone inside and out, and asking yourself some tough questions BEFORE you get too deep.

ABUSERS AND PATHOLOGICAL LIARS:

I didn’t forget these exist; trust me. I was saving the best for last 🙄. Despite all the above; I know you terrible people are here among us disguised as normal people. We have probably (mostly) all dated one in the course of our lives to be honest. Hopefully these relationships didn’t last long (although I am aware these unfortunately usually last the longest, FAR longer than they should) because these people are AMAZING at what they do. If there was a talent show dedicated to this, I bet we could all nominate someone we know to participate.

I’ve always wondered if pathological liars have tiny black books they write all their lies in to remember all of them or if they just naturally know how to lie themselves out of anything. (BOYYY, the talent) Start, pursue and finish every relationship just lying through their teeth to get what they want from you. Usually this is served to you accompanied by a side of narcissism, what’s not to love? 🙄

Emotional, psychological and physical abuse should NEVER be tolerated. There is no excuse or promise big enough that should convince you to stay for ANY reason. Honestly, save the “oh buts” for someone else. I can personally say after dealing with someone like this, it is the most damaging thing you could ever allow yourself to endure. It may feel impossible and you may very well love this person more than you love yourself but there is absolutely no acceptable explanation for being treated like that. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

FINAL NOTE:

Please, love yourself. Forgive yourself. Forgive them. Find love – I encourage it. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there – you will meet the wrong one, the wrong one right now, the wish I never met you and maybe you’ll meet the right one. The one who gives you that “I can’t remember my life without you feeling”. And I wish that for you.

But I forgive you

Jenna

Missing You

Time does not heal all wounds. Losing someone who meant the world to you will leave you forever with a broken heart.

Growing up my “sperm donor” was no longer a part of my life at the age of 5. I come from a family of many divorces, as well as not knowing many of my family members on my fathers side due to all of his siblings being adopted or left in foster care. My grandma on my moms side married my Popa when my mom was young, so he was a part of my life from the very beginning. He became the father figure I latched onto and he was present for everything. Hair cuts, birthdays, back to school shopping, ringette games and adolescent revolts. He was my rock, any problem in the world could be solved with his smile. He always kept his cool, understanding and a loving individual.

I never felt like he was “step” anything, he was family. Blood didn’t mean anything, I don’t think I ever felt closer to anyone. I miss everything about him, how he tapped his fingers on the dash as he let us play HOT 89.9 in the car and he would even sing along though his love was for country music. The smell of his Aqua Velva aftershave at 4AM while he got ready for work. The crisp way he wore his jeans. How I would wake up to a hot chocolate every morning from Tim Horton’s. How thoughtful he was. Our love for the same restaurants. His ease of life. How he could make anyone laugh. His comforting eyes. Never thought I would admit it but I miss watching golf with him (which usually turned into a nap) and the comfort of hearing him snore from downstairs. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss you.

Losing him was very quick, no one was aware he was sick. We all knew being such a strong smoker and his coughing that, that could eventually become a problem. He was 57 years old, we all got called on a Thursday night that he was being taken to hospital and wasn’t well. We lost him on Sunday August 29th 2010, the most devastating day of my life. A few weeks later finding letters he wrote all of us girls saying goodbye dated a year earlier. He knew he was dying and shared this with no one. I experienced tons of regrets being only 18 I spent a lot of my time being a selfish teen. Had I known I would have spent more time, cherished more moments and for that I will forever feel sorry for. However, he went on his own terms and I have now learned to accept that but during my mourning process I was completely lost and made some horrible life decisions while dealing with my emotions.

I wish I had more time with you, I wish you met my daughter. On my toughest days there is nothing I wouldn’t give to hear your voice. I love you so much. I miss you everyday.

But I forgive you

Jenna

Letting Go…

Is learning to let go possible?

I try. I don’t know if ill ever truly master the art. Accepting things I cannot change won’t ever be an easy task.

Trying to make someone see what they’re doing is wrong or open their eyes to see they are putting themselves in a terrible situation is nearly impossible. You can’t force someone to change their actions even if they’re hurting very important people around them. It’s beyond devastating to watch someone you once knew become a complete stranger so quickly. Someone you loved, your best friend… family. Watching them choose something or someone over things/people they once valued and treasured.

They say people don’t change but is that really the truth? I’ve seen people change for the worst and I’ve seen myself grow and change for the better. So changing is possible right? I believe we all use life lessons differently, you can choose to let those things define you or grow you. In the process of learning I am still mourning the loss of a friendship that can never be rekindled. Learning how to let go and accept that is terribly challenging. Mentally and emotionally trying to understand how this person could choose a path of destruction when they had so many people pushing to steer them in the right direction will forever be a unanswered question in my mind.

This person was my best friend, biggest supporter, helping hand, and voice of reason when needed. It felt like a great loss when they suddenly changed and become a stranger you wouldn’t recognize. I’ve fought hard for this individual to open their eyes and forever I will have this person in my life but now as a shell of the person they once were. In that, is the process of letting go… letting go of what once was and accepting it will never be that way again, losing someone you leaned on and not having that takes time to heal from. Feeling like you potentially never meant anything at all for them to so easily turn their back on someone who did so much for them. Truly painful.

But here I am. Still standing learning everyday something new about myself, my strength and how much I can depend on me. Maybe closing that door has opened me up to something different. Something I maybe needed more than that relationship. A new connection blossoming into something amazing.

But I forgive you

Jenna